Loss

It is 3 in the morning and I just can't sleep.  I have had a lot on my mind the past week or so and I guess there is too much in my brain for me to fall asleep.  So I am just going to purge everything that is in my brain onto this page.  I used to think that keeping it all in and putting on a smile was the way to deal with pain but I am going to try a different way this time.

"Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain; In reality the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it and accept it."

... I guess you could call this my acceptance speech...

When B and I first got married we were really excited about starting a family.  (B was even more excited than me and would have been happy with a honeymoon baby) My mom and sisters are amazing mothers and make raising kids look so perfect!  So as soon as we felt it was right we began trying to have kids.

After a little under a year of trying we found out I was pregnant.  This was in late October of last year and we could not have been more excited.  We found out Saturday night and could not stop smiling the following day.  We took a long walk in the crisp fall air dreaming about our little family.  We talked about all the things we wanted to work on to bring a precious baby into our home.  It was the neatest weekend, but the next day the rain came.

I woke up early so I could get more done at work and went outside to get on my bike.  It had been raining pretty hard and the bike seat cover was drenched.  I put it on my handlebars and quickly took off.  About 3/4 the way there the seat cover caught in my tire and flung me 5 feet forward and I landed on my chin, wrists and stomach.  I got up quickly in shock just thinking about all the work I needed to do.  A sweet guy helped me up but then gasped when he saw my face.  I ignored his requests to let him to me to first aid station to clean up and quickly walked my bike the rest of the way to work. When I got into work the look on the receptionist face sent me to the bathroom.  Looking in the mirror I realized I would need B to come pick me up.  After he got me it took a little while to get me to a doctor (I really don't like hospitals or doctors but mostly the bills associated with hospitals and doctors).  He finally got me to the doctor and I received 16 stitches on my lip and chin and was pretty bloodied up on my wrists and arms.  The rest of the week I spent in recovery but all was okay, because I was finally pregnant.  Unfortunately, I couldn't take any pain meds because of the sweet baby growing in my tummy but I could sacrifice because this is what I had wanted for so long.

That Friday, as we got ready to go home to tell our parents I started cramping pretty badly.  It didn't take long to confirm that I was miscarrying.

It hurt.  It hurt worse then flying off my bike. But I had sweet family who helped me get through and could empathize because of their experiences.  Things that helped me get through was knowing that a lot of people miscarry the first time but then get pregnant really quick after.  B and I were able to increase the sincerity of our prayers and it reaffirmed just how much we did want a baby. It hurt but I was able to move on.

Just like everyone said, it didn't take long before we received exciting news again.  I found out on the Saturday before Christmas and surprised B on Christmas Eve.  We wanted to wait to spill the beans just in case something happened but by week 7 we couldn't wait any longer.  The family was so excited and B and I spent lots of nights dreaming of this little angel that would soon be with us. I started throwing up that week and could finally join the pregnant club with stories of throwing up in the snow on my way home from school and the super pregnant nose that ruined meals for me.  I was tired all the time but I was so happy it didn't matter.

At 9 weeks and 3 days we went in to the doctor for a nurse consult.  Her talking about everything made it all so real and I was grateful that B was with me to hear about all the fun coming up.  When I went to give a urine sample though, I had some bleeding.  Not as much as when I miscarried but enough to scare me.  I asked the nurse about it and she said we could do an ultra sound just to ease my mind.  The tech was so sweet and assured us that everything would be ok.  Then as the pictures came up she kindly let us know that the baby only measured 6 weeks and that there was no heart beat.  She then gave me tissues and I am so glad B was there because I don't remember a thing.

Now, after a futile pill that gave me unbelievable pain for 48 hours and a torture session where the doc tried to speed the process up I am finally having a D and C because my Uterus just won't abort this baby.

I feel I am the same way.  I really don't want to give this up.  I kept asking B if there was any chance the doc was wrong and couldn't help but wonder if there was something I could still do, or could have done or should have done... But you can't think like that.  Things happen for a reason.  Life works out. There is a plan.  I believe in these statements but at times like these it's hard to see past the present.

I think that this time hurts more because we had more time to dream.  We had more time to talk about it and paint these pictures that became so real to me.  I bought a small bottle of baby lotion and would close my eyes and breathe in the new baby scent and picture myself rocking my new baby boy who was wrapped in a blue and grey cozy blanket.  Or putting my sweet little girl over my shoulder as she dozed.  It's hard to put a stop to the dreams and realize that it's not quite time.  It's not His time.  My heart aches for those that have lost little ones that they were even closer to. My loss is very small compared to some.

Some things that I have learned during this time is that I love my husband more than life.  I have an incredible family that no matter where they are always support and pray for me.  That prayer isn't there to convince Him of what I need, it's to align my will with His.  That friends can surprise you with their love and support.

I know I will someday get to rock my babies in blue and grey blankets and someday get to put them over my shoulder as they doze, but it's not time yet.  Yet being the key word.  I am grateful for the extra time I will have to strengthen my relationship with B, with my family and with my loving Heavenly Father.

"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest...times in life can be a blessing." -President Eyring

.Anniversary.

                              

Two years ago today, Brady and I were sealed in the Salt Lake Temple for all eternity!  Some people thought I was crazy for getting married so young (I had just barely turned 20) and thought that I was missing out on life.  I think they are wrong.  I am so grateful we got married when we did.

 These last two years would have been so blah without this handsome hunk of mine!  I love that we get to go to school together.  There isn't very much parking on campus so we either ride the bus, ride our bikes or have a good time walking hand in hand.  I love walking home with B after a long day and talking all about this and that.  I love our late night study parties in the library. I love that we both lay awake the night before the first day of a new semester.  I love that we can overdose on ice cream and movies when either of us bombs a test.  I love that we can motivate each other to make it past midterms.  I love going to school with B! 

Not only have we had such a fun time in school together but we have been in one of the best towns.  Logan was actually ranked the 3rd best college town in the nation and I can see why!  It has been so fun going to football and basketball games, using all the coupons we get for our date nights, being 2.5 minutes away from the temple and participating in all the fun events held on campus.  Logan has become our home.  

We had a fun anniversary date this past weekend. So fun... we forgot to take any pictures! We went to Sherwood Hills and played ping pong, air hockey, Foosball, basketball, Mancala and watched some fun shows! They also had an awesome pool with a waterfall and I was spoiled with a huge jetted tub in our room! Then we tried for 3.5 hours to get to the temple (having to run back home from Brigham for B's temple clothes and being turned away TWICE because it was so full) so we will have to go do our anniversary sealings tomorrow! 

Sherwood Hills

We have had a lot of fun times together and I am so lucky to have married such an incredible guy!  I remember the look he had on his face when I suggested living in my grandma's basement... yikes!  But he has been such a trooper and is able to make the best of every situation.  He is so good at remembering to do the little things like putting in a load of wash on a crazy day, leaving me a note on the bed or secretly buying me some cookies and cream ice cream!  He is always reminding me how much he loves me and making me feel like a princess.  I love finding out more about him and continually realizing how perfect he is! I love this man of mine and I am SO happy I get him for infinity-2 more years! Happy Anniversary Babe! 

                                 

.Comfort.

This last month has been a bit challenging.  It included a bike wreck and some devastating disappointments all while trying to manage school and work.  There was one night that I was ready to drop everything.  During all of this, I never had any big magical experiences that made everything better or easier but I have had little moments of comfort that have helped me get through it.  Being at church and hearing talks that were for me, family scripture study and prayer, a compassionate professor extending a deadline and family who completely understood what I was going through.

Brady and Milly cat

B and I at the rainy Anderson reunion

We were also able to have some really fun times during this month.  We had a great Thanksgiving at Brady's house with his parents and siblings and then took off to St. George with Jami and Sam!  Some of my favorite things about the trip were having tons of time to read some books, late night walks and talks with my sister, cuddling and playing with Addi, watching all three Lord of the Rings and playing lots of games.  I sure love my sister and was so appreciative that they dropped everything to help me in my healing process.  I am grateful for comfort.

As much beard as B could stand for no shave November

.Unbelievably Busy.

HAPPY OCTOBER

    Wait.. what?!? Woah! Can time slow down please? I cannot believe it is already October! Last I remember I was accepting a job offer with the University and deciding that I was going to do my Masters.

     Life really has been a whirlwind. With B filling out secondary applications then going around the nation for interviews and me working over 40 hours a week and trying to stay up to date with school... we have had little time together.  Days where I leave home at 4:00 AM to make it to a school in Alpine, spend a couple days out there and come home just in time to see Brady running out the door to make it to the airport to fly away to an interview, are NOT uncommon lately.  These past couple months have stretched and exhausted us but it has made us appreciate the time we do have together so much more!

I really have loved my schooling, I have learned more in my couple months of grad school than I have in my entire undergrad.  But I have probably worked harder in these past couple months than I have in my ENTIRE life!  I may be a little unmotivated as well and when I have less time to do more work, that doesn't help me either. I absolutely love my job though! It is so rewarding talking to the high school students and helping them make the BEST decision of their life (to become an AGGIE). I always tell people if I was doing one or the other I would enjoy it so much more... but the combination of both is a bit taxing (get it... acct joke!)

Even though life is so busy we have had time to enjoy ourselves... here are a few things that we have had fun doing.

.Brady's 1/2 Birthday.

.silly string fight for my B-DAY.

.Milly on the throne Brady made her.

.USU vs Utah... best game
EVER!.

... the clip of me and B on ESPN!! We come in around 1:55 and it was the best 56 seconds of my life!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=o3WWS320akQ

.Boating.

 Boating is my favorite thing to do in the summer.My dad's boat was given to him from his dad and has made it through a lot. Every summer we cross our fingers that the engine will start up a again, and it hasn't failed us yet. I remember as a little girl closing my eyes as Dad zoomed across the lake, feeling the water droplets on my sun baked skin and knowing that this is what heaven would feel like.


 When I met B and found out he loved the lake just as much as I did, I knew it was meant to be :) I love watching B ski and wake board almost as much as I love being out there myself, he is SO good! We went out for an early run on Saturday for the first time ALL year!
                                                                  !It was INCREDIBLE!
 I was a little nervous I wouldn't be able to get up on one ski but I did it on my FIRST TRY! (no one needs  to know it was the easy up ski) Can't wait to get out a couple more times before the summer is over! 

-Sweet Board Grab by B-Man-

.Summer Happenings.

This Summer has FLOWN by! I have loved being able to spend all of it with Brady, even though I do miss hiking up Machu Pichu and petting baby llamas, it is great to be in Utah. We have been able to go on a few fun vacations and trips. One night we decided to go find a spot up in the canyon for a fun sporadic camping trip. We found a GORGEOUS spot right by the river and had fun playing cards and snacking on yummy treats. We had some more fun making hobo dinners and making too many s'mores with our good friends the Riley's.

We were also able to go to Lake Tahoe with my side of the family. We spent our time playing corn hole, repelling from the loft and taking polar bear swims in the lake. I loved making origami sail boats with the kids and having races. The hot attraction was playing four square. Brad originally drew the arena to keep the kids busy but it ended up being fought over by the adults too. We had some intense rounds and there would always be a line to be the next in line to play. Since Brad is now in Michigan and Sean and Mak in Reno (now in Dallas) it's a rare and riotous time when we can all get together so we cherish every minute of it!

-Mak.Taylee.Brad.Henna.Me-

-Gorgeous Lake Taho... Couldn't Resist-

Next destination was Durango for Brady's family vacation. We were in a ski lodge with an incredible mountain in our back yard that we would hike daily. It was similar to Park City with an alpine slide and the fun mega jump trampolines. We were on a new adventure every day hiking down to the Indian ruins in Mesa Verde and dancing in the Street after the 4th of July parade. Since fireworks were banned in CO due to the fire hazard we played with hundreds, not exaggerating, HUNDREDS of glow sticks! Brady even got his fill of Ticket to Ride pulling the game out every second he could. 

-B and Me at the Indian Ruins- 

-Brady and AJ getting their read on-

-Lincoln and Tate-

Brady after he flew off the Alpine slide. He got pretty scratched up. 

We have loved every minute of this summer and are a little sad to only have one month left but we are going to make the most of it!

.Graduation.

After three years of lots of play and some hard work I graduated USU! It was very bitter sweet. I have loved my time at Utah State. Loved the amazing Aggies I have met, the late nights in the library and the crazy adventures all over campus. 

However, after much prayer and discussion I have decided to go back to get my masters in accounting so I guess I don't need to get too sentimental. I'm excited and nervous to get into the graduate school but it feels right so I will just jump into and start breathing again when I'm done. I will also be working for the admissions office as a Recruitment Specialist full time as well. I'm excited to find those that are looking for the Aggie experience and will have as an amazing experience as I did.  This job will take me on the road a lot, which will make this accelerated graduate program a bit difficult but I've never been afraid of a challenge. So goodbye undergraduate school and hello crazy graduate program.

FOREVER AN AGGIE!