It is 3 in the morning and I just can't sleep. I have had a lot on my mind the past week or so and I guess there is too much in my brain for me to fall asleep. So I am just going to purge everything that is in my brain onto this page. I used to think that keeping it all in and putting on a smile was the way to deal with pain but I am going to try a different way this time.
"Some people think that to be strong is to never feel pain; In reality the strongest people are the ones who feel it, understand it and accept it."
... I guess you could call this my acceptance speech...
When B and I first got married we were really excited about starting a family. (B was even more excited than me and would have been happy with a honeymoon baby) My mom and sisters are amazing mothers and make raising kids look so perfect! So as soon as we felt it was right we began trying to have kids.
After a little under a year of trying we found out I was pregnant. This was in late October of last year and we could not have been more excited. We found out Saturday night and could not stop smiling the following day. We took a long walk in the crisp fall air dreaming about our little family. We talked about all the things we wanted to work on to bring a precious baby into our home. It was the neatest weekend, but the next day the rain came.
I woke up early so I could get more done at work and went outside to get on my bike. It had been raining pretty hard and the bike seat cover was drenched. I put it on my handlebars and quickly took off. About 3/4 the way there the seat cover caught in my tire and flung me 5 feet forward and I landed on my chin, wrists and stomach. I got up quickly in shock just thinking about all the work I needed to do. A sweet guy helped me up but then gasped when he saw my face. I ignored his requests to let him to me to first aid station to clean up and quickly walked my bike the rest of the way to work. When I got into work the look on the receptionist face sent me to the bathroom. Looking in the mirror I realized I would need B to come pick me up. After he got me it took a little while to get me to a doctor (I really don't like hospitals or doctors but mostly the bills associated with hospitals and doctors). He finally got me to the doctor and I received 16 stitches on my lip and chin and was pretty bloodied up on my wrists and arms. The rest of the week I spent in recovery but all was okay, because I was finally pregnant. Unfortunately, I couldn't take any pain meds because of the sweet baby growing in my tummy but I could sacrifice because this is what I had wanted for so long.
That Friday, as we got ready to go home to tell our parents I started cramping pretty badly. It didn't take long to confirm that I was miscarrying.
It hurt. It hurt worse then flying off my bike. But I had sweet family who helped me get through and could empathize because of their experiences. Things that helped me get through was knowing that a lot of people miscarry the first time but then get pregnant really quick after. B and I were able to increase the sincerity of our prayers and it reaffirmed just how much we did want a baby. It hurt but I was able to move on.
Just like everyone said, it didn't take long before we received exciting news again. I found out on the Saturday before Christmas and surprised B on Christmas Eve. We wanted to wait to spill the beans just in case something happened but by week 7 we couldn't wait any longer. The family was so excited and B and I spent lots of nights dreaming of this little angel that would soon be with us. I started throwing up that week and could finally join the pregnant club with stories of throwing up in the snow on my way home from school and the super pregnant nose that ruined meals for me. I was tired all the time but I was so happy it didn't matter.
At 9 weeks and 3 days we went in to the doctor for a nurse consult. Her talking about everything made it all so real and I was grateful that B was with me to hear about all the fun coming up. When I went to give a urine sample though, I had some bleeding. Not as much as when I miscarried but enough to scare me. I asked the nurse about it and she said we could do an ultra sound just to ease my mind. The tech was so sweet and assured us that everything would be ok. Then as the pictures came up she kindly let us know that the baby only measured 6 weeks and that there was no heart beat. She then gave me tissues and I am so glad B was there because I don't remember a thing.
Now, after a futile pill that gave me unbelievable pain for 48 hours and a torture session where the doc tried to speed the process up I am finally having a D and C because my Uterus just won't abort this baby.
I feel I am the same way. I really don't want to give this up. I kept asking B if there was any chance the doc was wrong and couldn't help but wonder if there was something I could still do, or could have done or should have done... But you can't think like that. Things happen for a reason. Life works out. There is a plan. I believe in these statements but at times like these it's hard to see past the present.
I think that this time hurts more because we had more time to dream. We had more time to talk about it and paint these pictures that became so real to me. I bought a small bottle of baby lotion and would close my eyes and breathe in the new baby scent and picture myself rocking my new baby boy who was wrapped in a blue and grey cozy blanket. Or putting my sweet little girl over my shoulder as she dozed. It's hard to put a stop to the dreams and realize that it's not quite time. It's not His time. My heart aches for those that have lost little ones that they were even closer to. My loss is very small compared to some.
Some things that I have learned during this time is that I love my husband more than life. I have an incredible family that no matter where they are always support and pray for me. That prayer isn't there to convince Him of what I need, it's to align my will with His. That friends can surprise you with their love and support.
I know I will someday get to rock my babies in blue and grey blankets and someday get to put them over my shoulder as they doze, but it's not time yet. Yet being the key word. I am grateful for the extra time I will have to strengthen my relationship with B, with my family and with my loving Heavenly Father.
"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest...times in life can be a blessing." -President Eyring
